Conversations with: Adam

Me: Good morning Adam, welcome to 'Conversations With'. And fittingly, you're our first guest. Thank you for accepting the invite.

ADAM: I had no choice. Hold up right there, I’m the ultimate daddy, call me that.

Me: Hahaha. I guess you’re right sir. Let’s talk about Eve

ADAM: Hell no. That bitch is the reason why we’re here and you want to bring her up first? Next question please. And give me some water, I’m thirsty as fuck. That heat in hell is no joke, I’m glad to have this break and talk to you. Who are you anyway?

Me: Not important. Wait! You’re in hell?

ADAM: Yeah man. On my last day I messed up and cursed God out for chucking us out of Eden.

Me: Let’s start there. How was the garden?

ADAM: Man! It was dope until God said I had to name all the animals. It took me two years bro.

Me: Sorry about that. You did a great job though. Zebra is beautiful, and hippopotamus, how the hell do you even come up with that. Which animal did you name last?

ADAM: Eel.

Me: I believe that. No effort whatsoever. Did you eat any of them, the animals?

ADAM: Damn! Hell no, I’m not heartless. I see you guys eat them and I feel like throwing up. Out of curiosity though, how do they taste?

Me: Adam.. sorry, Daddy, you’ve not lived until you eat a well cooked piece of Nyama choma on the bone. Now you add some kachumbari with chili and ugali? You’ll have no business eating that fruit in the middle of the garden.

ADAM: Wow. It does sound delicious.

Me: So, was it lonely there?

ADAM: Not really because the animals were super chill, I could ride horses and hold competitions, I rode on whales in the water, I talked to parrots, one of which was always being explicit but super funny, oh and monkeys taught me to swing on trees. Man I miss that place.

Me: You had monkeys? What about evolution, that we evolved from them?

ADAM: Don’t believe everything you read bro.

Me: Did you ever talk to that snake?

ADAM: You mean the serpent? Yeah, I called him Kamau coz he was always trying to con you of some shit. A hummingbird once almost lost its beak to him. He told the bird that he was only borrowing it for a few hours. Once it comes out it’s not coming back, you should know that Ms. Hummingbird.

Me: Did he try to sell you the idea of eating that fruit?

ADAM: Many times. You have no idea.

Me: And you didn’t budge? Respect. Why didn’t you snitch him to God

ADAM: God was always busy. Cooling the sun (Which was hotter back then, coz it was brand new) pumping the rain, making sure the earth was rotating, a whole lot of stuff.

Me: How did he know you needed a helper.

ADAM: Have you heard of morning wood?

Me: Say no more daddy. How was she, Eve?

ADAM: Hot. Tall, Long flowy hair, curvy, dark as a berry. Too talkative though, I sometimes had to disappear into the bushes for days and re-appear like a second wife on a rich man’s burial. She hated that.

Me: You mean like some men on an Easter weekend?

ADAM: I guess you can say so. Shout out to Jesus by the way.

Me: Is she in hell with you?

ADAM: I’ve never seen her bro. I think she went to heaven.

Me: Noo!

ADAM: Yes. Can we change the topic? This is making me angry. You said there’d be food here.

Me: Yeah sure, let me check on that.

ADAM: That nyama choma you were talking about would be fantastic. And bring more water, wine if you have some and ice cubes. A lot of wine because you’ve raised wounds I didn’t want to recall.

Me: I’m on it. You need to taste some fine whiskey, it’ll wash all your problems away.

ADAM: I like the sound of that! Drown me in it.

Me: We'll be back after the break.